I sense there’s something in the wind
That feels like tragedy’s at hand

And though I’d like to stand by him
Can’t shake this feeling that I have

The worst is just around the bend

And will he notice, my feelings for him?

How do I even begin to explain just how I feel about you. Annoyingly enough, we have a relationship that not one other person could ever understand, and yet that’s kind of what i love about it. Things would have ended up a lot differently, probably a lot less dramatic and confusing, if we never met or had the chance to get to know each other. But I wouldn’t trade it for fucking gold. You’ve taught me so much about myself that I never really realized or understood before, I’ve never been able to open up to any other human being and just let everything pour out so easily the way I can with you. It scared me and honestly mentally destroyed me when we couldn’t talk for those long, few months, because I was so afraid that everything we ever had would vanish. As usual, I was wrong. No matter how stretched out the time is between our visits or random hello’s, nothing ever changes. I will always be able to tell who everyone thinks you are vs. who I know you are, what you’re really thinking when you say something, and how you react when you’re completely vulnerable. Shit, I’m one of your only friends who even knows how to spell your REAL name. And I’m honored that you choose to share your embarrassing little quirks with me because I know how hard it is for you to show even the slightest emotion. It’s a struggle trying to deal with the fact that you are so much more devoted to me in an intimate sense, but I promise I won’t ever let it get in the way of our friendship. I cant imagine what it must be like for you to watch the one person you’ve bared your entire life to, in the arms of someone else. It sickens me to my stomach that I could put someone who loves me with their whole entity through hell, and yet you never left once. Only when I made you. I hate using labels because our situation is completely unrelatable, I’ve never felt the comfort or contentment that I feel with you in the same way when I’m with somebody else. If soulmates are real then I know you’re mine, not because I think we were made to be together to love and all that Valentines bullshit, but just because I think we were made perfectly for eachother’s company. I’ve done some pretty dark shit im not proud of and there are some things that nobody knows and no one will ever know, aside from you. This all sounds so creepy and obsessive and not at all in the ways I wanted to describe,but our friendship put in words is indescribable. I have never been so sure that Its possible to have someones complete secrecy, trust, or loyalty until you proved it to me. It took me awhile, but I finally realized that any amount of consequences couldn’t measure up to how much I need you in my life. And I know you’ll never see this, mainly because I am way too embarrassed to show you, but I just needed to try to put in words how sorry and happy you make me feel. I have two promises I swear to never break if I can help it. My first one is to love you forever, which in reality won’t be that hard, because even a love that is romantic and passionate couldn’t feel half as powerful as how ill always feel. My second promise is to never leave you. You always stuck by me, and respected me enough to leave when we finally knew it was time. Thank god that was only temporary. But there will never be a time like that again if I can help it, because me and you together, as cliche and overused as it may sound, makes me feel utterly invincible. This extensive detail no doubt makes me sound loopy and insanely in love with you, but the even freakier part is that I’m not. You are the one boy who comes to mind when I think of all the qualities of a perfect best friend. Granted, getting a wife that is fully approved by me will be difficult on your part, but not because I’m jealous or bitter. I just only want you to be treated the way you treat me. Sometimes a little too unnecessarily nice, but hey… I ain’t complaining. The fact is, after 4 years, we’re closer than ever and even more recently you have helped me discover a lot of personal things about myself. You can confide in me things that I know any other petty girl would go tell 5 of her friends, but that’s just not where we stand. I hope you can comprehend my gratitude, one day forgive me, and above all just please never stop loving me - or break your promise.
em